[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Here goes nothing…
As everyone knows I moved to Richmond for college and yes I was dating someone while living with him in Richmond. Well, things suddenly failed to work with the living situation I was in and I was forced to drop out of college and move home. Which has caused so much debt, between owing the school money, car payments, and credit car payments.
While preparing for my move back home I was promised things would work, at the same time, there was no talk of anything for the future, just that it would be okay. I know now to never take someones word. I knew in the pit of my stomach things would end like they did. There was no real “reason”. Which really puts a damper on someones self esteem. I guess in the end I probably deserved it from somewhere in my life that karma was waiting to bite me in the ass, right at the perfect time.
Time spent there I look back now and realize that I was used. I was a veichle you needed, I was the company you always long for since you don’t like being alone, I was your Cinderella, constantly cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for you, while you sat by and pretended that you had any feelings at all for me. You pretended to care when I was upset, you pretended that any of it was real.
…It really was a game of house to you…
I am back home now, trying to pick up the fucked up pieces of my life. I pretend that everything is okay, but there is something majorily wrong, something that cannot be discussed at this moment. I am happy to be home, happy to be around people who love me, not people who pretend to care about me and love me only to destroy everything I worked so hard for. It’s almost as if you aren’t the human being I thought you portrayed to be.
With the issue at hand it seems like the hugest joke to you, it saddens me. In time I can only hope that you grow up to be the person you once portrayed to be. You know when peoples true colors show and you realize that they are everything you hate? This may seem like a sad attempt at crying out for you, but it really isn’t. It just so much frustration and anger that has been held in.
I had some sort of structure to this blog before I started writing it, now I see that its just a big pool of fucked up emotions. I will never leave the people who love me most ever again. You made me let my walls down, told me to not clam up and shut you out, to stop trying to protect myself, this is why I tried to keep doing it. I will never trust anyone again to let me drop all walls and to let them in.
We have bigger problems now, so all these feelings are irrelavant. I can only hope you step up to the plate..
